This happened last few weeks when I was having my late-night shower (yes I suka mandi tengah malam. No, mandi malam punca paru-paru berair itu mitos ye kawan-kawan). I had a thought to challenge myself to write about anything on Mondays, daringly. Some people tend to poke me to write about stuff boldly and don’t sugarcoat them too much or berlapik. Oh why not kan? But since I myself know that I can’t commit to write every Monday so why not do it once a month or maybe twice? Senang cerita, bila ilham datang dan jari rajin menaip. Im going to call it Daring Monday.

So for the first Daring Monday post, I am gonna dish out some dating advice. Oh well I am not an expert but I have dated quite a few sad losers. Eh.

The last time I set foot in the dating game was back in September 2017, so it has been 6 months or so. Frankly speaking I’ve forgotten the exciting adrenaline rush you feel when you give out your phone number to someone. You know, rasa teruja and at the same time malu-malu tapi mahu tu? And then wait for them to call you and sometimes you find yourself starring at the phone waiting for them to text you. Semua orang akan jadi gedik dan clingy dalam fasa ini. Lol.

Sometimes I find myself holding my tongue a lot when a single friend who just started dating comes to me for some dating advice. Because I know no amount of levelheaded advice is going to get through all these manusia yang tengah jatuh cinta. Kena virus-virus cinta macam tu lah. Also because I have to be honest that there is a slim chance I could be wrong about the new shady-ass motherfu*ker they are dating. Lagi pun tidak baiklah nak jump into conclusion dan terus chop yang seseorang itu adalah jenis assh*le. Islam kan mengajar kita untuk sentiasa berbaik sangka. Begitu.

So I have been digging some checklists and I think it’s quite easy to spot a guy or girl who is definitely an assh*le. But dekat luar sana ada ramai secret, undercover assh*le just waiting for the right time to show their true colours. So beware. Below I’ve decoded the telltale signs of this kind of people yang appear so nice but actually an emotional land mine just waiting for you to step on them.

Are you dating a mofo? Ada banyak petanda yang obvious that all these jerks do macam menipu, mencuri duit, curang but what about the more subtle signs? Let’s see ‘em signs.

1. They say things that would alarm a normal, rational thinking person

This list is not gender specific but I guess it can be applied to both. So let’s talk about men for this one. We all know exactly men tell you exactly what they mean. Yes, yes selalunya lelaki hanya akan cakap direct. Kalau nak, dia akan cakap nak. Kalau tidak nak, dia akan make it clear dia memang tidak nak. But sometimes you will hear them mumble all these indistinguishable phrases over the phone that you need to watch out for like ‘I can’t accept who you are,’ or ‘Saya tidak tahu kenapa kita couple,’ or worse ‘Awak terlalu baik untuk saya, saya tidak sesuai untuk awak.’ Yang ini paling biadab dan kebiasaan. Eh punde* kau ingat aku malaikat sangat ke dan kau banduan lari penjara yang tiba-tiba nak cipta alasan merepek siapa paling baik segala ni.

I have heard all those lines said to me and what I did? I ended the call or stopped texting, ignored the shit and moved on. Because I know ‘nothing’ will always follow. They won’t chase you back after they say all those things. Kalau tidak move on atau berdegil untuk stay dalam relationship tu the words will become louder and totally unavoidable. Before you know it, one day you will be having a nice cup of latte with your friends and see them walking in the cafe with someone else. Awkward.

2. Kamu tidak ‘wujud’ dan rahsia si dia

Okay this won’t be applied IF you both decide to keep everything between you guys a secret. I am writing this for someone else I know.

Assess this shit. He keeps your relationship (if actually there’s any) behind closed doors. Kawan-kawan dia tidak tahu pasal kau, you are not on his public radar. Maybe only on his pu…*batuk…bic radar.

Yes, some people just want to keep things between mereka sahaja. Tidak perlu orang lain tahu, tidak perlu show off supaya lebih bahagia, tidak ada post gambar bersama. But ada atau tidak tanda-tanda yang they are being shady to come up with those rules? If yes, RUN. As. Fast. As. You.Can.

Either si dia malu sebab kau tidak layak berdamping dengan dia atau dia perlu jaga perasaan seseorang. Kalau ‘seseorang’ itu tidak apa lagi, dibuatnya ‘orang’ lain… kau nombor berapa sebenarnya beb? Nah, pergi nangis tepi bucu kalau pernah jadi dekat kau. At least kau dah lalui dan tahu tidak best perasaan sakit tu kan?

3. Selfish

Whatever you do is wrong and not up to their standards, alasan yang dicipta untuk buat kau rasa macam sampah. It’s just one-sided – you have to chase them to get your needs met. Obviously because they don’t have your best interests at heart because they are selfish and it’s only about them. Kau hanya patung. They don’t ever ask about you. The conversations can be deep and wonderful but they are all about them, and they don’t really seem want to know more about YOU.

4. ‘Sorry, I busy sangat ni.’

When you need them, they are just ‘too busy’ and nowhere to be found or come up with lame excuses. But when they need a favour or something, you have to come running, jump on their lap in 10 secs.

Pernah nampak signs ni dekat someone? Could be you are dating one right now? Duduk diam, fikir baik-baik.

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